This may have been the hardest year of my life. Even harder than the year my husband left, and I didn't think that could be topped.
I think it was harder, because this year, the failures (yes, that's plural) were solely my own.
2010. Welcome to the beginning of the end of myself.
And I've messed up before, don't get me wrong. 2010 was not the first time I've failed. Even when my husband left, almost 5 years ago now, I knew a piece of that failure was mine to own.
This year, well... this was a whole new thing...
Sometimes, when we fail, we can go apologize, we can do things to make it better. And then there are other times. Other times when repairing is beyond you. You can't go back in time and make things different, make better decisions. Many of us have been there. Many of us will be there very soon.
I was talking with a friend recently about failure, and in an effort to make the pain go away she told me I didn't really fail.
She was trying to be helpful. And she had good intentions.
But the fact is, she was wrong. Failure is real. It's as real as the bed I'm sitting on while typing. It's as real as the Chipotle I'm going to have for dinner... (I just made that decision, just right now.) ; )
And by ignoring it, by pretending it's not there, you miss the beauty that comes from failure. You miss the compassion and grace that grows out of it.
And you miss the beautiful redemption, where God draws you back to him, even when you don't have it in you to run to him. Where he reminds you that's why He sent His son to die on the cross. Because He knew. He knew all along. He knew your soul would be weary. He knew the strength of your heart would fail. He knew.
In the times I was most grieved. In the deepest pain that I managed to not anesthetize away, when I couldn't pick myself up and dust myself off. I am learning, in those moments... I can rejoice. And I do not mean be happy about what's going on. I do not mean, "think positive and it will all go away." The last thing I want to do is make a trite statement about pain. Just like failure, pain is real. And it's valid. What I mean is, out of the core of my being, I can stand on the assurance that Jesus isn't letting me go. That I Will. Not. be taken from his grasp. (John 10:28) That pain is just for a time. That the impurities that have risen to the surface, are revealed because I am loved so deeply and furiously by a God who is not content to let those impurities stay. That my faith, in His eyes, is more precious than gold. (1 Peter 1:7) And He takes that seriously.
And finally, out of godly sorrow that came with a vengeance this year, followed by repentance and confession to friends. I've watched: Transformation. Revelation. Joy. Deeper confidence. And a solid foundation that is less easily shaken.
And it's not over yet. Not even remotely.
For 2011, I want to be around men and women of prayer who have completely failed - and can admit it. No pretenses. Messy community that loves deeply without walls.
And then I want to provide a safe place to land for others, a safe place of growth for those who will fail in 2011.
Course, I'll fall short in this. However in God's grace, and in his gentle molding of my spirit, and out of a reverent fear that he has so graciously helped me begin to understand. I'll be closer to it than I was in 2010.
And that's a good feeling.
4 comments:
Simply put: amen.
I've failed too, badly.
I'm praying for you. Cheers to resolution and redemption and striving for christlikeness...our salvation is being worked out daily.
April, thanks for being real. I always appreciate your posts. I champion you in your goal for authentic community. If you haven't read Bo's Cafe by John Lynch, you must. It will galvanize your goal not to accept anything less than a true grace community of friends. Anything less is just my facade having a superficial relationship with your facade.
On more thought. "if only" is an uninhabitable land. I have a short podcast called "There, unring that bell." if you go to this link, www.thewellatcl.com and click watch listen on line, then click audio podcast and launch player. Scroll down to 5-2-10 you'll find it.
I believe in you April, and I believe you have an authentic heart. Like the map in the mall, which is useless unless it has that little arrow that says "you are here," we can't get to where we really want to be until we admit where we really are. Otherwise the directions just don't work.
God bless you April. I'm believing with you for the best New Year yet in Jesus.
"For 2011, I want to be around men and women of prayer who have completely failed - and can admit it. No pretenses. Messy community that loves deeply without walls".
This was my favorite part. The last few years has been difficult for me to accept my own failure and it's been a wretched and beautiful process.
What's more is finding others who will admit their short-comings and mistakes not just for the sake of confession, but for the sake of transformation.
Logically, I know we learn and grow from mistakes. To me, those are the little things. But I am trying trying to transfer that truth to "Failures", which to me are the big ones!
I think your desire to live life in a messy community is fabulous! I am in anticipation after reading this blog and our recent conversations about the community God is constructing for you.
Blessings April. C.
Friend, look no further. My middle name is failure and I will gladly walk alongside you this year. I am looking for a few good friends who are ready to dig deep in prayer, so remember me. Keep blogging. I love the purity in how you communicate.
Post a Comment